They called me "crazy"...


Hello beautiful!

I’m Autumn

You are a spiritual being

having a human experience

and I'm here to help you

manifest a life you love.


New to Golden Otter Divinations® or our members only Lunar Manifestations Moon Circle?


If so, I'd like to share something I am releasing with love as a spiritual being having a human experience.



What was the last nasty thing someone called you that actually hurt? You know, that thing they said to you that hit you in the gut, brought you to your knees gasping for air, scanning the room for the bright red EXIT sign?

That thing that you were scared they would say when you showed them your soul. That part of you, you don’t show anyone but simply could not hide anymore.


For me, the word “crazy” used to be that thing.

👇Trigger warning👇

I was told I was “crazy” from a very young age for my spiritual inclinations and deep knowing that didn’t perfectly align with the religious beliefs or world view of the family and community that I was born into.

I was so “crazy” they medicated me at 12 years old and put me in a pediatric in-patient behavioral/mental health wing of a hospital for three days during the summer between 7th and 8th grade to get me to stop “making things up'' and learn to differentiate between my “vivid imagination” and reality.


Oh... and to "stop being so emotional"... cause you know... it's unacceptable for 12 year olds to express their honest feelings about the world around them if those thoughts don't perfectly align with the adults in their lives (or at least it wasn't back in the mid-90's when I was headed towards puberty).


Scared I would never be free again, and that I was going to miss my big soccer game that weekend (I was 12 after all) I took the meds, told the doctors I knew the difference between “fantasy and reality,” stopped trying to share the truth I knew about some of the adults around me, or otherworldly encounters I was having and swore to myself that I would never spend three nights, let alone an hour, like this ever again.


As I sat, curled in a ball under the medical grade writing desk in the far back corner of a locked room, with a steel bed, scratchy, crepe thin hospital bedding, and a glass door that made me feel like an animal locked in a cage, I learned no one was coming for me. I was a prisoner, locked away for the crime of telling the truth, to adults who weren’t ready to hear it.


The other “prisoners” were average kids like me but who were causing trouble at school or exhibiting signs of psychosis after being abused in their foster homes in the worst possible ways (that at the tender age of 12, I never had an awareness of until that summer when we sat in the common room during “art therapy hour” and they told each other stories of home as I listened in horror realizing my problems of not being believed were a raindrop in a puddle compared to the turbulent waves on the ocean that was their childhoods). We were cellmates on the block of crazy kids, but in no position to organize a jailbreak.


I think of these rag tag friends of mine often as I raise my own children and from time to time during my many years of teaching middle and high school history. They were the early way showers that led me to where I am today.


For those three days and three nights, I prayed to God to keep me safe that summer. I still pray for my friends I spent those three days with. I know not where their journeys led them, but I pray they are on the path of peace.


Scared and confused as to how the things I KNEW in my soul were true had gotten me into so much damn trouble, my 12 year old self made a promise to my future self:


I will tell the truth someday...

But for today: I will survive.


They taught us to “always tell the truth” in our public education classrooms and in Sunday School. That’s what I thought I was doing. I didn’t realize as a child there is the “TRUTH” and the “truth”. You know, the way things are, verses the way we want them to be or desire to portray them to others.

Away from my brothers who always protected me, I sat there terrified night after night that someone was going to come in to hurt me after the sweet night shift nurse named Margot went home at 1am. Not sleeping for nights on end, I prepared myself mentally for being watched in the shower, vowing to grow my hair as long as I could to cover my changing body if I was ever naked and forced to dress in front of strangers ever again.

I said “Thank you Nurse!” and “Yes, please Doctor!” when they gave me the daily meds and forced me to put things in my body I didn’t want. I smiled and laughed. I made jokes, and painted pretty floral designs on the wooden jewelry boxes during art time. I did and said whatever I sensed I needed to if I thought it would get me home to my mom and brothers.


My mom was able to get me released after three days. I walked out with a BIG smile and quick laugh that I learned was an easy way to get the adults around me to feel in control and for me to feel safe, if at least physically.


She and I are still navigating the heart piercing pain that seared our souls and scarred our psyches during those three days when she as a mother and a physician herself was brought to her knees by a medical system and spiritual purview she didn’t have the tools to navigate as a single mom.


Years later, she would give anything to have made a different choice, gone a different way, helped me in literally any other way possible. But she didn’t know that what I was saying would all come true, if not until years later.

How could she have?

She slept in her car in the hospital parking lot those three nights, holding vigil that God would come to our aid and my life wouldn’t be riddled with hospital stays, drug or alcohol addictions, bouts of mental illness or self harm. As a mother myself, I see the situation with more clarity each year. One thing I know for certain: she didn’t give up on me.

Then, now, nor will she ever.


Most sensitive, empathic, and intuitive children aren’t so lucky...


Years later, and long after I had stopped caring or wanting to be validated by the adults around me: my TRUTH became the TRUTH, waaaaaaaay after I released my need to hear “you told us so” which was something I desperately begged God to have them say during those 72 hours in 1997.


👆Trigger warning👆


This is a painful vignette from the first time my spiritual gifts got me into “real trouble,” and caused me years of shame, psychological turmoil and spirit hiding, but one I gladly share the details of if it in anyway can be of service to you or someone you love who's had similar experiences.

I believe you. You are NOT a liar. Your intuition knows the TRUTH.


👇I’m here to help👇


If being called “crazy” brings you to your knees, or actually does drive you to the brink of insanity like it did me when I was a child, teen, and young adult (because when you know the truth, you know, you know the truth) then you probably resonate with this sentiment.


The mental and spiritual resilience that it took for you to even be in a place where you are able to read this sentence means that you resisted the insanity inducing psychological terror of being told you are a liar or wrong about your own inner knowing and deep truth, for years, if not decades.


My days of hiding in the closet of my childhood home and under the desk in the behavioral health unit begging God to take away my visions of knowing, asking my Angels to be with me and keep me safe when the adults around me didn’t know how to help, and trusting my personal master guide (and original metaphysician himself) Jesus to take my hand and walk me towards brighter times are behind me.

While the nasty words have changed, the feeling of being shouted down doesn’t bring me to my knees like it did when I was a child, teen and young adult.


As a Christian woman who doesn’t wear my faith on my sleeve I want you to know that I honor, accept and embrace the religious preference and spiritual inclinations of all beings on my path that seek to uplift and heal humanity.


While the practice of mediumship has its roots in many noetic religions, including Christianity, I have suffered under the juncture where the particular brand of North American protestant values I was taught suffocated it’s expression as the patriarchal umbrella of the modern day Christian church stretched over my home country of America. The puritanical values of our founding fathers, which ironically so many fled their homelands to escape by coming to the “New World,” took root in Western society in a way that blocked the Divine connection to source that we all inhabit and have access to at any time.


This has been especially true for women and minorities over the last 2000 years with the erasure of any viable routes to positions of leadership in religious institutions along with the literal burning and killing of women and indigenous peoples who expressed their ancient connection to the earth via spiritual practices.


Now, this wasn’t supposed to be a sermon on my Christian upbringing nor a “clap back” on its teachings or an attack on the Western medical model and it’s glaring mental health shortcomings.


In fact, while it may not be at the forefront of my YouTube videos or on the highlight reel of my podcast audios, I take great comfort and derive great strength from my Christian upbringing and believe that advances in modern medicine, coupled with the examination of the lived experiences of the millions of “sensitive” children and adults around the world like me will bring us to new frontiers of Science and Spirituality, previously unknown and unexplored.

I truly believe that it is in the darkest places where a single sliver of light can illuminate the path forward, leading to healing and wholeness.



All those Sundays School mornings, sermon note taking afternoons during my confirmation years in middle school, through the years I became a Sunday School teacher myself, one thing above all else was pressed deep into my soul: the God I pray to loves us all equally, believes in us all faithfully, and will never lead us astray when we keep the knowledge that there is a power higher than ourselves in control of the Divine unfoldment of our lives.


So back to those nasty gut punching, knee scraping, soul searching, heart excavating words that when lodged against you make you ask:


Am I really what they say I am?


For me, “crazy” is now a compliment.

“🦊 Crazy like a fox 🦊” I retort silently to myself as I smile, whisper a little blessing for the person lobbying the shot, and walk away with peace in my heart and calmness in my mind, body and soul.


As I’ve embraced my own spirituality and Divine Feminine form the insults have taken an age old misogynistic-woman hating angle:


WHORE!

Witch!

Devil worshiper!

Apostate!

Pagan!


👆The last one actually made me laugh. Like for real, who is still worried in 2020 that if I pray to Ceres, the Roman Goddess of the Harvest, or Demeter, the Greek Goddess of Fertility that it will somehow upend their lives?!? Seriously trolls, stay under your bridge!


Ceres, Buddah, Mother Mary…


Are they not all space holders and way showers for a sliver of the divinity that Source is willing and able to bestow on us all?

Long after “crazy” stopped feeling like a match being thrown on a pile of kerosene soaked, gaslight-esq inquires about my spiritual beliefs and mediumship practices, the shame inducing tone of being labeled a whore in the on-line space started to hurt like HELL.


But not the hell that I was taught about in Sunday School as a little girl, where bad people who intentionally hurt others and do not make amends for their transgressions go.


It hurt like the type of purgatorial hell that the 14th-century Italian writer Dante Alighieri describes in the epic poem “Divine Comedy”.


In his poem “Inferno,” Hell is depicted as nine concentric circles of torment located within the Earth; it is the "realm ... of those who have rejected spiritual values by yielding to bestial appetites or violence, or by perverting their human intellect to fraud or malice against their fellow men".


As an allegory meant to reveal a hidden truth, the Divine Comedy actually represents the journey of the soul toward God, with the Inferno describing the recognition and rejection of sin.


While it may seem hyperbolic, it’s not an exaggeration to say that my journey of awakening and coming out of the spiritual closet claiming my natural spiritual gifts, honing my ability to always use them for the betterment of my fellow human kind, and embracing my Divine Feminine form was a journey toward Source (God, the Universe, Insert the term for your Higher Power here).


So, here I stand before you:

🛡 Not using religion as a sword or a shield to put my agenda forward.


🗡 Not weaponizing my natural spiritual gifts for my betterment or those with ill intent for humanity.


🚪 And certainly not hiding in a closet or under a desk ashamed of the gifts and 💋 Divine Feminine form💋I came from Source 💫 to Earth 🌍 to share.



Here I stand, willing and able to requisition all the nasty, vile, ill-intended stones of hurt that anyone has ever thrown your way for you trying to express your authentic soul self.


Here I stand, ready for you to walk by me shoulder to shoulder as we lay claim to the nasty thoughts, words, or deeds that have been weaponized against us as Lightworkers.


Not so that we can return shots fired. But so that we can stand united, illuminated as spiritual beings having a human experience and transmute the hurt, and the hate, and the pain... and in doing so call other Lightworkers to the path of peace.


It is my prayer that the next time someone lobbies a vile comment, hurtful name, or shame inducing implication toward you that even if you have not joined the Moon Circle where we encourage and support each other on our journeys as spiritual beings having human experiences, that my words in this letter have pressed a knowing into your soul that you are not alone.


You matter.

You are enough.

You are powerful beyond measure.

And you have a special gift that you came forth from Source to share here on Earth with our fellow humans.

Shine on Lightworker, the world needs the light only you came here to shine.



I’ll look for your moonbeams in the sky at the next new moon.


Until then…


*For more information on the fascinating history behind Moon Circles, here is an article from Well & Good by Erin Magner.

Check out this episode for more information on Golden Otter Divinations® offerings and Lunar Manifestations: A Medium's Guide to Manifesting by the Cycles of the Moon.


YOU WILL LEARN:

  • What the lunar cycle is and how it connects to manifestation 🌕

  • Each of the 8 phases of the lunar cycle and how to work with them in conjunction with your intention setting practice 🌘🌑🌒

  • The differences between Yin and Yang energies ☯️

  • What mediumship and the moon have in common with each other 🔮

  • How you can use the moon to supercharge your Law of Attraction game 🤩

  • The reason why New Moon and Full Moon rituals really work 💫


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I'd love to hear from you about your lunar manifestation journey!

Be sure to let me know in the comments below what resonated with you from this episode 💖and don't forget to connect over on Instagram @golden.otter.divinations!


In gratitude,

Autumn


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